The Life of a Bored Student: May include Video Games, Anime, Various Languages, Rants, and Other

I’ve been reading lots of horror related media lately. One of them is the manga “Sankarea.” Basically, the main character meets a rich ojou-sama who promptly proceeds to accidentally kill herself in an attempt to escape her sheltered life. However, the main character has an interest in zombies, so he is able to reanimate this girl as a zombie. However, she is stuck in an undead state forever. It’s pretty interesting, but I can’t help but feel that there’s going to be an inevitable death somewhere. The author has even hinted that there is almost no way to stop the rotting of the girl’s body.

Anyway, life is sad. Recently, I was checking up on two sisters that I bought art from at the summer Anime Expo 2011. I saw that one of them had updated her deviantart blog with her life story. At first glance, I had always assumed that they went to some kind of art university because they were super talented at digital art. Unfortunately, their familial background was depressing. It seemed that they underwent many hardships in order to get to where they are today. At the end, she (kurot) advocated people to get real jobs in order to sustain themselves.

Last Friday, I attended a wedding in which most of the people there were either alumni from my school or Stanford University or both. 100% of them felt that their lives were horrible and that they wanted to die. However, both females and males alike were already married with children existing or on the way. Since they still had semblances of morality left over, they didn’t kill themselves.

These events combined with my own hate of university confuses me. Though, I feel pretty cheerful since I don’t attend classes anymore. Last week, I received all of my midterm scores back. Although some people did better than me, I was actually pretty excited to have gotten half of the points on some of the exams. My classmates were relatively confused, but I had set out what I wanted to do: Get at least half the points on my exam. Because most of the people in my classes are not as talented as I thought they were, I was still above average despite studying for maybe two or three hours. I devoted the rest of my time to sleeping, swimming, anime, or art.

Two weeks ago, I spent an entire week at my house doing nothing except sleeping and resting. Throughout that week were classes and assignments and quizzes. When my mother came in every single day to ask me if I was going back to university that day, I told her that “I didn’t feel like it.” Surprisingly, my mother didn’t care or didn’t show that she was concerned. She continued to bring snacks and fruit into my room as I was playing video games or reading light novels. It’s strange. The way that my parents raised me is kind of clever. Supposedly, it doesn’t matter if my parents force me to do something. Unless I choose to do something myself, I won’t truly be independent. And independence is the first step to happiness.

I try to go swimming at least five times a week. It’s not that I want to become weaker or have a better-looking body. Instead, I go for the hot tub that’s there after the workout. You don’t get that after the gym.

There’s a few people in my bioengineering classes that attended the same high school as me. The other day, one of them asked me what the smart people from our high school were doing right now. After some speculation, we decided that they were probably off somewhere being successful and trying to become a doctor or something “prestigious” like that. I don’t mind.

It might be arrogant of me to think this, but I think bioengineering: premedical major is actually one of the most comprehensive and difficult majors ever created. Literally, I know everything from linear circuits to organic chemistry to python coding to mammalian physiology. I also know quantum physics.

Or I should know those subjects. Instead of learning these things, I channeled my inner Izaya to get the past homework and exam solutions as references. After all, I’d say that I’m a pretty manipulative person. Now, I’m some kind of Mashiro/Izaya fusion since I draw whenever I have time. Art was the first thing that made me realize that sleep was a waste of time.

My parents and I don’t have an agreement regarding me finishing university. I’ve voiced my opinions on dropping out to them many times and they always tell me that it’s up to me and that they’ll fully support whatever decision I make. I did some calculations and it’s much, much cheaper for me to continue with my education since everything is paid for. At home, I’d use up utilities and food while at school, I do nothing everyday and get paid to do so.

It’s not authentic at all…this cacophonous symphony.

Lately, there’s been an air of uneasiness. It lingers in my heart and stays there like a phantom. It might be that I haven’t been getting enough sleep or that I didn’t go home last week. My routine is completely distorted.

And still, life goes on in this dreary environment that I live in.

Something I’ve come to appreciate and fear in this university is that everyone seems normal at first. As I go higher and higher in the echelons of academia, there are darker secrets lurking beneath the two-faced appearances that everyone puts on.

Though, minor things like these don’t exactly annoy me. They don’t cause excitement, either.

My annoying apartment mate is one of those higher academia individuals as am I. However, the disparity between us is so drastic. I am kind, considerate, and courteous when I have to be. My apartment mate is a Jesus freak, impolite, and inconsiderate being.

His roommate nearly bursts into tears in fury due to the hypocritical actions that this idiot takes.

I’ve narrowed down the possibilities and I’ve come to one conclusion: religion.

His unwavering faith in an unproven deity drives him to unconsciously destroy the lives of others. But, this is not the problem, merely the cause. He considers himself superior to the rest of his apartment mates, even my Catholic roommate. He has no sense of humility and often boasts about how he is more talented than me even though we are in the same major, just in different years of study.

I am annoyed, yes. But, I’m not the person I used to be. I can’t simply physically beat sense into this defect of society because he will reply that it is God‘s will. I cannot even begin to fathom how a person can ambivalently be masochistic and sadistic at the same time.

As a result of this ongoing nightmare, I have begun to ignore Christian people that I know. Yet, this is also a good experience for opening my eyes to the foolishness that was so prevalent around me. I don’t need people who turn tail at the first sight of danger by copping out into prayer.

If you’re a god, then I’ll become a king. I’ll shatter those illusions of yours.

From around 1:00 pm to 3:20 pm, I had three nightmares in a row.

After the first one, I thought about writing it down because I recall from somewhere that it is good to have a dream journal. However, I was too tired, so I went back to sleep.

There was a shorter gap between the second and third nightmares because I forced myself awake after the second one.

All of the dreams took place on my university campus. Specifically, they were all around my apartment complex.

In the first dream, the apartment mate the I dislike brought two Korean girls over, none of whom were his girlfriends. They were especially cheap-looking. My apartment mate was also bragging about how he gets intimate with them.

Anyway, the girls eventually started to attack me in the narrow apartment. One had daggers and while the other had needles. For some reason, I was exceptionally weak during the assault, so I was literally crucified by the sharp objects.

In the second dream, my entire apartment was inhabited by large spiders. They had a bulging lower body with deep purple and acid green dots. They were passive and didn’t attack. I used to have arachnophobia, so elements of that fear were reawakened within me. I remember looking up from my futon and panicking. Then I sprinted to the other double room to check if there were spiders as well. There were. However, the ones in my room were bigger.

In the last dream, there was a serial killer/murderer on the loose on campus.

I woke up before anything grisly happened, but I do remember him(?) holding students hostage in the dining hall closest to my living area. I had attempted to wrest control of his weapon from him, but I felt bites in my legs and lower back.

When I had turned around, I saw that one of my bioengineering classmates was pointing a Colt gun at my body.

I’m not exactly sure why I have such psychologically horrifying dreams. I do sleep very late each day at around 7 or 8 am and wake up around 4 pm. Then I start drawing.

If a person could live without feelings, then would that person actually be a “person?” The capacity to feel emotions is a key feature of what separates beasts from humans.

If I recall properly, I actually used to be a “good kid.” In 5th grade, when I was 9 years old going on ten, my class voted me as the most polite person out of approximately thirty students.

Now that I look back on those times, it’s disorienting. If I didn’t run into the problems that plagued about three years of my life in the later times of my teenage years, would I still be a “good kid?”

Questioning who I was, who I am now, and who I will be in the future are activities that occur frequently.

If I were truly a perfect being, I wouldn’t mind being a servant of others.

Lately, I’ve noticed that criticism from others has all but disappeared.

Reclaiming the old personality in my childhood frightens me, but I also desperately want to grasp at it.

Working towards a goal bit by bit is the most satisfying in the end. However, getting to that point is difficult because immediate results are not apparent.

To be frank, I”m afraid of living a life of conformity. Yet, I’m also frightened of living completely outside of “the world.”

Staying in the neutral ground between anger and tranquility is frustrating.

There are things I want to try that are frowned upon by society, so I do not pursue them.

While I reflect on the past memories, I wonder if I’m correct in rejecting the love of others.

Actually, that’s not completely true. It’s evidenced by the two necklaces and one bracelet that never leaves my body.

Those people that gave me those items command great respect from me. They were also my past lovers.

If I really wanted to, I could have stayed with any of them and remained happy. All of their parameters were high.

As I said before, working at something bit by bit yields the greatest gratification.

Perhaps I gave up halfway, just like I was doing for a while in my current “life.”

Taking that step forward is difficult.

To start from the lowly position of a servant doesn’t even afflict my pride anymore.

So, all that’s left to do is gather back the pieces of my 10 year old self that have been shattered by my trepidation.

A few days ago, my body was hit with a sudden attack of hormonal urges. After going through the necessary motions to remedy the physical dilemma for the first time in about two months, I was oddly reminiscent about the past.

Most of the people I dated were averse to the idea of consummating “our love” before marriage. I was, too.

However, now that I think about it, profound love is tainted with desire. As such, not being able to see myself in a bed with my supposed lover probably meant that I didn’t need that person as much.

Despite what I may think or look like, I’m still relatively popular at my university among people of the opposite sex.

Although a part of me is curious about what sex feels like, the majority of myself realizes the problems that could arise from actually giving in to these desires. Also, I hear that “sex” and “making love” aren’t the same thing.

Deep down, I don’t think there is anyone that I “desire.” While most of my “friends” are cultivating their futures with their significant others, I actually have no interest in playing these “games” anymore. While I never “beat the game,” it’s safe to assume that I was one of the high scorers.

Since break started, I have been drawing about 5-7 hours a day every day. Now that university has resumed, I am still keeping up with the old schedule.

This is the first time in my life that I’ve seriously wanted to become good at something.

Right now, in the prime of my youth, I choose art over love.

There shouldn’t be any regrets, but there is a sinking feeling within me.

Digital artists are usually poor. If I stuck with my current path in life, I could end up having a decent living as a doctor or bioengineer. But, I wouldn’t be happy because I hate everything about my major in college.

If I somehow wanted to get married in the future, what kind of parents would want their child to live a difficult lifestyle.

Throughout this winter break from university, I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.

Unlike most people, I keep my own pain to myself instead of forcing it on others around me. That’s why no one can tell that there’s something bothering me even if there’s an emotional sting. Also, I rarely go outside during the day as I have a messed up circadian rhythm that operates between the hours of 6 am and 6 pm.

Because of the free time that I’ve had during the break, I’ve explored many things that I love doing that can also yield monetary benefits. My parents told me when I was young that I shouldn’t worry about money. They constantly tell me that I should do my best in striving for whatever I want to do.

It’s hard, though. Most of my “friends” are from middle class families that try to save money. They don’t have the luxuries of being able to purchase whatever their hearts desire. As a result of the constant immersion with a “commoner lifestyle,” I’ve also adopted the habits that comes with such a routine. I scrounge around for coupons and buy half priced bento or dollar onigiri as my only meal of the day.

Over time, my parents have noticed that I don’t like to eat at exquisite resort or Michelin Star restaurants. Affluent environments seriously annoy me.

On one end of the spectrum, I feel like I’m very fortunate to have all these worldly gifts. The latest video game systems, a high end computer, top of the line custom in ear monitors, etc…

Among my “middle class friends,” it was inherently known that I was “richer” than them, but no one ever brought up that topic. As I matured and started to associate with the children of my parents’s friends, I found others in the same position as me, but they never looked back at what others didn’t have. They considered themselves “royalty.”

Anyway, as I said before, I was basically wasting my winter vacation looking for what I really wanted to do in life for a living.Most of the ideas I garnered were mostly inspired or triggered by anime.

The first anime that I rewatched over winter break was Ano Hi Mita Hana no Namae o Bokutachi wa Mada Shiranai. During the later half of the series, Yadomi worked many part-time jobs such as construction or retail. He skipped high school classes in order to make enough money to buy the fireworks for Menma. All throughout his tribulations, he was very determined and didn’t care about what others said of him.

Truthfully, I wouldn’t mind doing manual labor for money to sustain myself. In actuality, I don’t have many things that I desire in real life. If I am able to live alone away from people with internet, a computer, a futon, and a nearby convenience store, that would make me extremely happy.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I can’t deal with the emotions of people that well. Since I’m naturally sympathetic to others as a result of my personality and upbringing, the fluctuating ebb and tide of the human soul has become the source of my stress and tension.

While pondering these ideas that come to me, I’ve also come to realize another aspect of myself that I’ve constantly rejected. I used to think that I was a normal individual with average everything. But, I’m not.

Who can study only one day a week and have over a 3.5 GPA in one of the toughest and most prestigious undergraduate/graduate engineering programs in the nation? Who can memorize a dance routine and execute it with near perfect accuracy and flair just by seeing it once or twice? Who can pass a language certification exam within two years with no formal instruction and no adequate preparation for it?

Despite what others have said to me, I’ve come to terms with my own talent. Whenever I’m not interested in something, I’m average. However, once I find passion in something that I consider important or necessary, I become a maestro.

Though, I’m still not very sold on higher education in the form of university. I think I’m only in college to please my family and relatives.

Another anime that sparked my interest in getting a vocation over schoolwork was Working!! To work in a family restaurant as a waiter sounds really fun. I also bought Dream Club Zero for my Playstation Vita a few days ago and I’ve been casually playing it after my hardcore video 7 hours a day laddering in Starcraft II. Being a host in a host club also sounds interesting.

In addition, I’ve been contemplating other vocations that I consider to be “worthy.” An information broker/informant or digital graphics artist are at the top of my list. A professional video gamer or poker player are things that I also want to try out.

To be more realistic, I could probably become an academics tutor since I’m a naturally good teacher. That’s not the only reason, though. Even though I act and think like this, I’m still pretty popular, charismatic, and good looking/handsome. My parameters, so to say, are all either A or S rank.

But, I’m not satisfied with what my current life has to offer me. Even though so many tumultuous things have happened to me since university started, I force myself to forget them through self-induced hypnosis.

I guess the main point of all this mental conflict is that I know myself that I can succeed really well in life in regards to the image that my parents and relatives have of me. However, the conditions have not been met in order for me to release my true, true potential. That, in itself, is irksome.

Now that I think about it, I regret starting university so soon. I should have waited at least a year until matriculating in order to become more mature and knowledgeable about my own self.

What upsets me the most is that other people follow this trend of education so simply. It’s so annoying. Are people really that prone to external pressures and conformation?

My family advocates freedom in our family. It’s always been that way ever since I was born. I don’t have to tell my parents what I do or if I ditched school or whatever. I’ve never been scolded or lectured or beaten.

And yet…I turned out to be the perfect child because I subconsciously didn’t want to disappoint them.

Now that I’m on this pedestal for all to see, I’m restricted in the things that I want to actually go out and try since I’m afraid.

It’s not the fear that I’ll fail because I don’t fail. It’s the sense of apprehension that despite all these years that I’ve stayed in this household, I may end up being an embarrassment to my family and relatives because I didn’t “just be like everyone else.”

For over half my life, I knew I was depressed. For the remainder, I just wasn’t conscious of my sadness.

So many things upset me, so it’s hard to single out a certain cause of my melancholy. It might be that I just can’t bring myself to intentionally hurt someone else. Or, it might be that I’ve been “alone” for far too long.

Yesterday, my family started to unknowingly mistreat me over some trivial matter. Usually, I just take the abuse with a calm demeanor and continue on with my life. However, I wasn’t sure what I was thinking when I spoke back against my parents. When I analyze these numerous situations, I cannot see where I’m in the wrong. Clearly, their actions merit criticism, not mine.

Anyway, both of my parents became upset that I didn’t know my place. I’ve already followed their every whim, beck, and call for the last twenty years of my life. I’m the perfect obedient child that most Asian parents dream of having. So, I can see why it is a shock when I’m suddenly “rebelling.”

This may sound harsh, but I have never considered my parents to be a part of my “family.” Actually, I don’t really exist or belong in a “family.” While I was extremely depressed yesterday night, I didn’t visibly show it in my expression at home.

I think I may hate my parents even though they provide many luxuries for me. I don’t want to be a tool anymore. However, maybe that’s my punishment for treating others like tools.

Most people that I know cannot deal with loneliness. I can’t exactly deal with it either, but I’ve been subjected to it for so long that I’ve gradually become accustomed to it. That doesn’t mean I can endure it, though.

I don’t want others to help me. They can’t help me because I feel that I might enjoy being depressed.

There really is no point in fighting against people that won’t correct their flaws.

Every so often, I think about events that transpired in the past. At these times, I start to feel a swirl of many distinct emotions that accompanied those memories.

Some feelings are of pity or sympathy, but most of are the malicious variety. As hard as I try, I can never seem to forget the hate that lies deep inside within me.

Most of the time, I’ll be able to hold back these black emotions, but lately, I’ve let them become apparent in my expression.

Maybe I was kind at one point in my life. Maybe I was forgiving as well.

Then I realized that those kinds of “feelings” were weak and ruining. They only held back the greatness and talent within me.

As I was grocery shopping today, I passed by a former friend and classmate of mine. She called out to me, but I ignored her.

Even when she stopped me, I feigned ignorance.

She wouldn’t give up, though. Eventually, I told her that I’d rather not “speak to someone I despise.”

Gazing at that confused look on her face, I inwardly grinned.

First, there will be disorientation. Then there will be doubt. After that follows pain.

Feel the same pain that I did. Isn’t it simply just an exchange? I’m not being unfair at all.

I won’t forgive any of you. The light of recent events have completely changed my world, so to say.

People often recall experiences of becoming a whole new people after believing in “God.” They undergo a certain spiritual transformation.

I can safely assume that I’ve gone through the same process, but without the “God” aspect.

I wonder if that’s why I have no “friends” now. Since I don’t want to forgive any faults, I can never form any lasting relationships.

At the same time, I also dislike this feeling of loneliness.

Other people try to indulge themselves in activities to drown out the past, but they are just lying to themselves.

For a while, I have been contemplating whether I was a good person or not. The more that I think about it, I always acted kindly and politely to everyone I met even if I detested them.

I endured the abuse while smiling all through it. Some people were paid back in double. Some people never got back up from the revenge.

But what about all the others that have yet to pay their dues?

Until I stop feeling like I want to tear down the sky or raze cities, I’ll continue on my lonesome journey.

After all, that’s what a marionette is, right?

Arrogant people tend to make me laugh. Because they are so proud, their true intentions are visible from the start. If not, it is easily distinguishable from their words and actions.

Of all the people at university who act like this, I am the least afraid of these individuals.

A few days ago, my super Christian apartment mate told me that he was trying to get rid of his pride and attempting to become humble. The funny thing about this is that he has no reason to be arrogant in the first place because he is the epitome of a failure. Losers are acceptable. Failures are not. Unfortunately, he is a disillusioned failure, another class of people at university.

Anyway, I told him that thinking of oneself as a lowly human being is the best notion. However, some people take this piece of advice far too seriously and end up ruining themselves by transforming their perceptions into fuel for their now self-defeatist agenda.

No, that is not the correct method.

If one thinks of oneself as the bottom of the food chain, then he/she has nothing to lose. By breaking the restraints that they may have had on their previous attitude, they can achieve so much more.

In order to become humble, a person must erase any existence of opinions that they may harbor and only view the world through an unbiased lens.

It is difficult to do, but it is evidence of how blind human beings really are to their surroundings.

I used to believe that friends were very important to people. The concept of friendship is understandable as human beings rarely want to be alone.

Even introverts yearn for companionship of other individuals – They just don’t wants AS many people as the extroverts.

Anyway, yesterday was my birthday.

I’m actually pretty athletic, so a group of my close “friends” and I went snowboarding. While I have minimal snowboarding experience, I’m talented as long as I can hold my concentration.

When we were done with our recreational winter activity, we retired to the warm cabin for the night.

Although these people were individuals that I’ve known for a very long time, I haven’t told them about this blog or my change in character.

I no longer see these people as people who understand me. As a human being, I should try to explain to them the despair that I initially felt at being so alone, but I am not sure if I am a human being anymore.

At first, after enduring some hardships in the spring then my sudden accident in the fall, I became disillusioned with living.

By trying to change my character into something less neutral, I was performing a counterproductive act. I didn’t have to change who I was on the outside.

I could remain default on the exterior while splitting up my darker thoughts into another personality.

Everyone was cheerful in the cabin and some girls eventually started crying as they lamented that we probably wouldn’t have as many opportunities to meet up as much in the future.

Most “friends” shared that sentiment, but I didn’t feel anything.

On my own festive birthday, surrounded by people that I didn’t know anymore, I felt detached.

If I try to recall memories of who I was before, they only turn out to be hazy.

Maybe, I was kind and understanding. Or humble and nice.

If I truly thought that way, then I was limiting myself. One can only attain his/her true potential by yielding to his/her inner desires.